Overheard In Portland

Wouldn't Miss It

2012-01-21T07:00:00.000-05:00

Young man: "Join us for the first official meeting of Maine's only facial hair club."

(Overheard by LKW outside Hannaford)

The Talk

2012-01-11T05:00:00.000-05:00

Woman talking to friend: "It is going to be our first road trip together so we had to have the talk."

Friend: "What talk?"

Woman: "You know, deciding which podcasts we will listen to."

(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

Outside

2012-01-09T05:00:00.000-05:00

Woman to friend: "Well, I don't smoke. So I never go outside."

(Overheard by GB at Planet Fitness)

They Why are You Eating at Anthony's?

2012-01-05T05:30:00.000-05:00

Truly obnoxious kid: "Our parents are rich. That's why we have all this money."

(Overheard by ARA in Anthony's Italian Kitchen)

Lady, You Could Not Be More Wrong

2012-01-03T05:30:00.000-05:00

Woman on cellphone: "No one wants two books for their birthday. No one."

(Overheard by JR on Congress Street)

Home For the Holidays

2011-12-30T09:34:00.004-05:00

20-something girl: "Hey, I live in South Portland and I am trying to get home for Christmas--you got two bucks?"

(Overheard by KC in Monument Square on Christmas Eve)

Pathetic is the New Cool

2011-12-20T05:00:00.000-05:00

Hipster discussing his favorite hip hop performer with a friend: "What I like about him is that he is so pathetic that he doesn't even try to be more than pathetic."

(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

Mall Security

2011-12-18T07:00:00.000-05:00

Man sweeping the floor, to woman sitting on a bench: "You know what they call that? Mall security."

(Overheard at the Maine Mall)

Seven Years

2011-12-17T05:00:00.000-05:00

Guy to friend: "Hey, what's up with your brother? What'd he get?"

Friend: "Seven years."

(Raucous laughter from group of friends.)

(Overheard by JL in Monument Square)

Dinner

2011-12-14T05:00:00.000-05:00

Woman to friend: "Let's just get baby carrots and brainstorm!"

(Overheard by JR at the Back Cove Hannaford)

Judged

2011-12-13T05:00:00.000-05:00

Very loud woman on cell phone: "What the fuck else am I supposed to do? Huh? What the fuck? No, I told you, I'm judged because I'm fat. I'm called a slut. I don't have any teeth, people tell me go get new teeth. ‎I'm not fucking anyone but you, I swear. Look, I gotta go. (Pause, then to friend): "Let's go smoke a blunt."

(Overheard by PL in the main branch of the Portland Public Library)

Aphorism

2011-12-05T05:00:00.000-05:00

Landscaper to coworkers: "Thinking is like money: I never have either, but neither do me any good."

(Overheard by JR on Chadwick Street)

Too Much Bath Salts

2011-12-03T07:00:00.000-05:00

Concerned yuppie-type woman, to Shaky Bob (a.k.a. Shaky Pete/Bobby Roberts), who was lying on the sidewalk: "Are you okay? Can we call someone for you? Did you take too much bath salts?"

(Overheard by EB at the corner of Spring Street and High Street)

Fantastic

2011-12-02T05:00:00.000-05:00

Cashier, to man: "How are you?"

Man, loudly: "I'm fantastic! It's my birthday! And I'm a homosexual!" (pause, then to smiling customer) "Bitch."

(Overheard by MR at the Catholic Charities Thrift Store on St. John Street)

Down South

2011-12-01T05:00:00.000-05:00

50-something, possibly homeless man:"I need money for beer so I can go down south."

(Overheard by SP outside Joe's Smoke Shop on Congress Street)

Bucket List

2011-11-30T05:00:00.000-05:00

One 20-something woman to another: "Yeah, I've started going to bars where the names go through the alphabet, A to Z. It's part of my bucket list."

(Overheard by PR at Planet Fitness)

Adult Things

2011-11-29T05:00:00.000-05:00

Energetic young woman: "So, do you still have the same probation officer?"

Sullen young man: "No, she just does juvie stuff. I do adult things now."

(Overheard by BS on Congress Street)

Casinos No

2011-11-21T06:37:00.001-05:00

Young woman to her boyfriend: "No, you can't have a scratch ticket! You're the reason we can't have casinos in Maine."

(Overheard by @iwasthewalrus near the scratch ticket machine at Hannaford on Forest Avenue)

Stilettos

2011-11-14T05:00:00.000-05:00

One extremely fashion-conscious young woman to another: "Are you really going to have a closet full of stilettos when you live in a place where you can never wear them?"

(Overheard by LF at The Local Buzz in Cape Elizabeth)

Me and Britney

2011-11-09T05:00:00.000-05:00

Young smoking mother, to friends: "That used to make me so mad, when people called Britney Spears fat. Cause we were, like, the exact same size then. So I'm like, 'What the hell? You calling me fat?'"

(Overheard in front of the Portland Public Library on Congress Street)

Cat Lady

2011-11-08T05:00:00.000-05:00

Old woman to her friend: "I don't know who talks to me more, my stones or my cats."

(Overheard by EN on Free Street)

Protocol

2011-10-26T05:00:00.000-04:00

Woman pushing baby stroller, to friend: "And then I told her, if you have full-blown AIDS, you are NOT supposed to be working with the food!"

(Overheard by LA on Oxford Street)

Nice Vest

2011-10-25T05:00:00.000-04:00

Scruffy 50-something man, to a passerby, politely: "Excuse me! Nice vest! (Turns to his buddies, also scruffy 50-something men) Either go to the hospital or die! Anaphylactic shock!"

(Overheard by MB outside Matthew's)

Teach Your Children Well

2011-10-22T08:26:00.000-04:00

Little boy bringing a movie from the horror section to his father in the family movie section: "Dad, you're not going to like the cover, but you told me never to judge a book by its cover, and a movie is like a book."

(Overheard by JR at Videoport)

Boys Vs Girls

2011-10-21T05:00:00.000-04:00

Grocery bagger, to cashier: "Boys or girls?"

Cashier: "Two boys, girl in the middle. If I'da known then what I know now, I'da figured out a way to make 'em all boys."

(Overheard at Hannaford)

Also Known as Sunlight

2011-10-19T06:37:00.001-04:00

Man to Hannaford employee (gesturing to rain, arms wide open): "Isn't this great, liquid radiation!"

(Overheard by JR in the Hannaford parking lot)

Real Men

2011-10-13T05:00:00.000-04:00

Drunk woman, screaming: "Real men eat pussy!"

(Overheard by DM on Brackett Street)

LP

2011-10-12T05:00:00.000-04:00

Young woman on her cell phone: “I finally figured it out. LP stands for long playing!”

(Overheard by NK at the corner of Pearl Street and Middle Street)

Or the Weather Channel

2011-10-06T05:00:00.000-04:00

Sharply-dressed young man to two scruffy guys: "Hey, do you know what the weather's going to be like tonight?"

Scruffy guy number one: "No."

Sharply-dressed man: "Maybe you should watch the news."

Scruffy guy number one to scruffy guy number two: "What the fuck is he talking about?"

(Overheard by JF on Preble Street)

Text Me?

2011-10-05T05:00:00.000-04:00

Early 30's man, speaking to a woman walking several yards in front of him: "If you're gonna ditch me for your ex-boyfriend, at least give me a fuckin' text."

(Overheard by DM on Free Street)

Whatever

2011-10-04T05:00:00.000-04:00

Woman to man: "What do you want for dinner? Sushi? Whatever, you're cooking."

(Overheard by EB at Hannaford in Rockland)

Don't Knock Like a Cop

2011-10-03T05:00:00.000-04:00

20-something woman, restraining large pitbull, to two baggy pants wearing 20-ish men: "When you get up to the door, knock loud. But not, you know, not like a cop loud!"

(Overheard by AN on Congress Street)

Chickens

2011-09-28T05:00:00.000-04:00

Man to family: "Chickens for five dollars? Down at the corner store they're ninety-nine cents!"

(Overheard by MH in the poultry barn at the Common Ground Fair)

Shut Up

2011-09-27T05:00:00.000-04:00

Dude sitting in a Civic Center alcove across from Margaritas Mexican Restaurant: "Shut up...goddamn...Mexican...(long, long pause)...restaurant."

(Overheard by DM on Free Street)

The Best Seats in Heaven

2011-09-26T07:08:00.000-04:00

Elderly lady wearing a floppy straw hat: "You can give some girls the best seats in heaven and they still want more."

(Overheard by Pleko at the Getty on Broadway in South Portland)

Probation

2011-09-21T05:00:00.000-04:00

Very loud young man on cell phone: "I wasn't going to go out there, you know, 'cause of probation and shit...but I ended up going and had a real good time!"

(Overheard by BC on Congress Street)

First Class

2011-09-17T05:00:00.000-04:00

Woman on cellphone: "I will not so much as step foot on a plane unless I know that someone is at some point going to hand me a fresh hot towel."

(Overheard by JR at Whole Foods Market)

Hindsight

2011-09-16T05:00:00.001-04:00

50ish professional-looking woman to 50ish professional-looking man: “I would have gone out with you sooner, but I didn’t know then I was married to such an asshole.”

(Overheard by LK at On the Border in South Portland)

Congratulations!

2011-09-16T05:00:00.000-04:00

Tank-topped, jeans-ass-dragging youth to buddy: "Hey man, even though I'm still unemployed, I manage to get up at 8am every morning!"

(Overheard by KC in Monument Square)

Mmm, Salty.

2011-09-15T05:00:00.000-04:00

Tourist man, looking at water fountain: "Do you think it's sea water?"

Tourist woman: "I'm not sure, let me try."

(Overheard by CM on the Eastern Prom)

That's Freedom Dressing to You

2011-09-14T05:00:00.000-04:00

Man to woman: "I can't believe they don't have French dressing. That's just weird."

(Overheard at Trader Joe's)

Hot Dog Wisdom

2011-09-10T04:30:00.000-04:00

Hot dog vendor to customer: "...It'd still be breaking the law. Even though it's a photo of you, it's still child porn..."

Hot dog vendor, five minutes later: "...Even I can't afford a sports car, and I own a cellphone!"

(Overheard by WB near Tommy's Park)

Only a White Lie

2011-09-09T04:30:00.000-04:00

Dude in chair: ‎"A lie is a lie. People say, 'Oh, it's only a white lie.' A lie is a lie. What's the alternative, a black lie? Ha ha ha. Hey, now you're getting racist. Ha ha ha."

(Overheard by DM at the Congress Street Coffee by Design)

Bananas

2011-09-08T16:30:00.001-04:00

Middle-aged man running down the street: "But I don't have any bananas!"

(Overheard by AJGL on Congress Street)

Watch Your Mouth, Watson

2011-09-06T19:24:00.000-04:00

Meek-sounding male voice: "Honey, I...(garbled words)...fish...(garbled)..."

Harsh female voice: "Oh, really? Well no SHIT, Sherlock!"

Meek-sounding male voice: "Aww...(garble)..."

(Overheard by AJGL on Prospect Street)

Hype

2011-08-31T05:24:00.000-04:00

Young man to friend: "Hurricane Irene totally did not live up to all of the hype."

Friend: "Yeah, just like Avatar."

(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

Marijuana People

2011-08-25T05:36:00.000-04:00

Man to his wife, walking past fire dancers: "Well...they look like marijuana people to me."

(Overheard by TF in Tommy's Park)

41-Okay

2011-08-20T08:52:00.000-04:00

Sharp teenage grandson: "My dad wants a new job. Someplace where they have a retirement plan or something."

Not quite as sharp grandfather: "Yeah, he really needs one of those 41-okay plans."

(Overhead by BS in Mercy Hospital's Emergency Department)

Thanks For The Advice

2011-08-13T03:48:00.000-04:00

Scrawny, tattooed, toothless man pushing baby carriage, to passing woman: "Hey, I like your shades. Aviators are the way to go. You should get the mirrored kind, though, so you can see if someone's checking out your ass."

(Overheard in Deering Oaks)

...To Go To College?

2011-08-12T05:46:00.000-04:00

Guy to group of guys: "I was the first dude in my family...to fuck a bitch in all 50 states."

(Overheard by SE outside of Joe's Smoke Shop)

Not-So-Funtown

2011-08-11T04:53:00.000-04:00

Woman with Maine accent, to dental hygienist: "After all those rides in Orlando, I just don't think Funtown's gonna be very fun for him."

(Overheard at a pediatric dentist's office in Scarborough)

Good Idea

2011-08-10T05:17:00.000-04:00

Old man explaining his philosophy on women: "I've had two of 'em try to hit me, and they ended up with broken arms. I just try to stay away from 'em now. I learned from my mama, and she had an IQ of 187!"

(Overheard by MB on a Portland Metro bus)

Words to Live By

2011-08-09T05:12:00.000-04:00

Seemingly gay man to girl: "Rule number one: never grab a gay man by the flaccid penis."

Girl: "Words to live by."

(Overheard by LB at Local 188)

Okay.

2011-08-08T05:09:00.000-04:00

Mid 20's woman on cellphone: "She's been fucked by everyone in Portland, but I'm not going to fuck her."

(Overheard by AC on Commercial Street)

Cat Piss

2011-08-07T13:40:00.003-04:00

(Seen by DNW at Ryefield Cove on Peaks Island)

Ted the Hippie

2011-08-04T10:36:00.001-04:00

Woman, to co-worker: "Well, you know everyone thinks of Ted as a dirty old hippie anyway. He used to drive around in that VW bus."

(Overheard at the Peaks Cafe on Peaks Island)

Other People's Children

2011-08-03T14:15:00.002-04:00

Woman to friends: "I'd make a great nanny, but I don't like other people's children."

(Overheard by JR at Arabica)

If I Had a Nickel

2011-07-31T09:21:00.000-04:00

Barista, after customer apologized for putting bacon into recycling bin: "If I had a nickel for every time someone dropped something that wasn't recyclable in there I'd own LL Bean."

(Overheard by EL at Coffee By Design in Freeport)

Done.

2011-07-30T06:18:00.000-04:00

Man on cellphone, scratching his butt: "I gotta get rid of my ego."

(Overheard on Exchange Street)

You Should Know Better

2011-07-29T06:16:00.000-04:00

20-something tourist woman, to 20-something tourist man: "I don't like when you light anything on fire. And you should know that."

(Overheard on Commercial Street)

The Good Old Days

2011-07-28T05:27:00.000-04:00

Fiftyish man, to woman: "Remember that time I punched up Stephen Stills?"

(Overheard by JB in the Hannaford parking lot)

The Good Stuff

2011-07-27T05:43:00.000-04:00

Woman, to skinny male companion: "Oh, I forgot the coffee brandy. Go get some, and don't get the cheap stuff. Get the Allen's."

(Overheard by EB in line at a Portland grocery store)

Gotta Catch 'Em All

2011-07-26T05:03:00.001-04:00

Teenage boy 1: "...yeah, in like Piscataquis or something..."

Teenage boy 2: "What is Piscataquis?"

Teenage boy 1: "I don't know, it's like a place up north in Maine. It sounds like a Pokemon!"

(Pause)

Teenage boy 3: "DUDE. It does sound like a Pokemon!"

(Overheard by MF on Willard Beach)

Three Long Years

2011-07-25T05:48:00.000-04:00

Large woman in her 30s: "Wow, I haven't been swimming in three years."

Her equally large sister: "That's cause you've been pregnant for the last three years!"

(Overheard by JP at Sebago Lake)

Pizza Delivery For...

2011-07-24T05:44:00.000-04:00

Shirtless young man on a cell phone: "WIENER, man! I period C period Wiener!"

(Overheard by TW on Danforth Street)

Why?

2011-07-23T05:20:00.000-04:00

Drunk Guido guy, locked in an amorous embrace with bleached blonde woman: "Why'd you grab my dick?"

Blonde woman, giggling drunkenly: "Because it's fahkin' hot, God!"

(Overheard by CS on Exchange Street, near Novare Res)

Welcome to Portland

2011-07-22T05:17:00.000-04:00

Exceptionally tall woman: "Buuurrrrrpppp."

Tourist man: (Look of utter shock).

Tall woman: "Sorry, homeboy. Welcome to Portland!"

(Overheard by EB outside the Porthole)

Can't Decide

2011-07-21T05:16:00.000-04:00

One custodian to another: "I can't decide if I want to be a man or a woman today."

(Overheard by KW at the Maine Mall)

You've Had Enough

2011-07-20T05:00:00.000-04:00

First guy: "I like it cause you can drink as much as you want."

Second guy: "Yeah, I hate when it's like, 'Whoa, whoa, you've had enough.'"

(Overheard on Brighton Avenue)

Good Plan

2011-07-19T05:30:00.000-04:00

Teenage girl: "I'm gonna get really tan and then die young so I don't get that gross, leathery look."

(Overheard on the Bagheera schooner in Casco Bay)

PBR

2011-07-18T05:14:00.000-04:00

One hip 20-something to another: "PBR won its blue ribbon in like 1893 or something."

Second 20-something: "That's why their beer sucks. The last award it won was like 200 years ago!"

First 20-something: "That is bad math. Also, PBR won a gold medal at the American Beer Festival in 2006."

(Overheard by MW on the East End Beach)

Skeevy Neighborhood

2011-07-17T06:12:00.000-04:00

Fiftyish man, to friend: "I remember when the Old Port was such a skeevy neighborhood that our parents forbid us to come here."

(Overheard on Fore Street)

Who is He?

2011-07-16T08:07:00.003-04:00

First dressed-up young woman: "When we see him let's totally pretend we don't know him!"

Second dressed-up young woman: "Uh...I don't know him."

(Overheard on Fore Street)

Steak

2011-07-15T05:53:00.001-04:00

Man in pickup truck, to young woman: "Hey, do you like steak? This car is full of steak! Hey, did I mention that I love you?"

(Overheard by ZWH on Marginal Way)

Pigeon Love

2011-07-12T05:51:00.000-04:00

First plain-clothed cyclist to second: "Did you see that guy!? He just kissed that pigeon!"

(Overheard by CM and SV at Congress and High Streets)

Inside Joke

2011-07-11T05:48:00.000-04:00

One Trader Joe's employee to another: "Do you have any xylophones?"

Other Trader Joe's employee: "Oh yeah!"

(Overheard at Trader Joe's)

Iced Coffee

2011-07-10T05:44:00.000-04:00

Man carrying beer up Munjoy Hill: "So this crackhead totally smashed a coffee pot in the store today--chucked it at this dude's head."

Second man, concerned: "Was it iced coffee?"

(Overheard by A on Munjoy Hill)

Crazy Neighbors

2011-07-09T05:12:00.001-04:00

12 year old girl, to two younger children: "So, this house is where our neighbor who doesn't own a car lives. The boy's grandmother has a car, but they don't. They walk everywhere!"

(Overheard by Captain Confrontation on Munjoy Hill)

No Search Warrant

2011-07-08T05:53:00.000-04:00

Angry man yelling on telephone: "I don't care what she said, they didn't have a search warrant!"

(Overheard by JC near the Nickelodeon)

Fancy Clothes

2011-07-07T06:13:00.000-04:00

Smoking woman to man: "Fuck all my bitchy co-workers and their fancy clothes."

(Overheard on Congress Street)

Tired

2011-07-06T06:09:00.001-04:00

Woman to friends: "I mean, I'm like so tired of Nazis...that's what she said!"

(Overheard by AF at the Dogfish Bar and Grille)

Plans

2011-07-05T06:06:00.000-04:00

Drunk woman to friends: "Tomorrow morning we're going to shop our shit out at Hannaford's."

(Overheard by AS at Portland Lobster Company)

After the Fireworks

2011-07-04T08:01:00.002-04:00

Awkward preteen girl to even more awkward preteen boy: “Halley said she wants you to ask her out under the fireworks after the game. She said she will seriously cry of happiness if you do that, okay?”

Preteen boy: “You’ve already told me three times, just stop.”

Preteen girl: “Michael, you can’t act like a boy about this! Do you know how serious this is?! She said she will cry with happiness if you ask her out!”

(Overheard by GS and RS at the Sea Dogs)

Epilogue: He ended up asking her out, after being bullied throughout the entire game by the group of ten preteen girlfriends.

Just Kidding

2011-07-03T10:23:00.003-04:00

High school student, enthusiastically, to his friends: "Hey, who wants to check out the gay bar?!"

(Long, silent pause.)

High school student, abashed: "Just kidding."

(Overheard by AF on Fore Street)

Gollum, You Idiot!

2011-06-30T17:59:00.003-04:00

Little kid #1: "Daddy, was Bilbo Baggins a liar?"

Dad: "Yes, he was."

Little kid #2: "What did he lie about?"

Dad: "I don't really remember, but he was a liar."

Random guy walking by: "He lied about Gollum and the ring, idiot!"

(Overheard by AJGL on the Eastern Prom)

Queen of the World

2011-06-27T07:19:00.000-04:00

Congress Street man: "Fifteen million for a watch. A hundred million for a yacht. I'm the queen of the world. I'm the richest homosexual in the world."

(Overheard by DM on Congress Street)

Mess You Up

2011-06-26T21:16:00.004-04:00

(Seen by EZF on a cooler full of beer at a high school graduation party)

John White

2011-06-26T07:04:00.000-04:00

Smoking man #1: "I saw John White yesterday."

Smoking man #2, agitated: "John White's a murderer!"

Smoking man #1: "What? Who'd he murder?"

Smoking man #2: "ME!"

(Overheard by LKW outside a Cumberland Farms in Augusta)

Roger

2011-06-25T07:22:00.001-04:00

Older man to young woman: "Roger likes you. He really does. If you needed to borrow five dollars, you could get it from Roger."

(Overheard by LKW outside a Commercial Street bar)

They Just Don't Cut It

2011-06-24T07:38:00.000-04:00

Elderly woman, to veggie/herb vendor at the farmer's market: "Lesbian shavers are great, but they just don't always cut it for me."

(Overheard by DC at the Monument Square farmer's market)

The Clowns

2011-06-23T07:35:00.000-04:00

Middle-aged woman, to two little girls: "I don't know if any more alcohol is such a good idea, since you've already had a donut and we have the clowns later."

(Overheard by DC at the Monument Square farmer's market)

Nudity

2011-06-22T07:27:00.000-04:00

Art walking man, to female friend: "I would be so embarrassed to see a naked baby!"

(Overheard by BCM at a Portland art gallery)

That Never Works

2011-06-21T06:06:00.000-04:00

One frowny teenager to another: "You tried to cheat on your girlfriend on Congress--that never works."

(Overheard by AP on Congress Street)

Just Like New York

2011-06-20T12:04:00.000-04:00

Woman (pointing to parking lot): "If you park here you'll feel just like you were in New York City: someone will yell at you and everything."

(Overheard by JR in the West End)

Vive la Différence

2011-06-15T19:48:00.000-04:00

Middle-aged L.L.Bean catalog woman to Trader Joe's worker: "What is the difference between the extra firm tofu and the firm tofu? Is it the taste?"

(Overheard by @jugglinggeese at Trader Joe's)

Oh My God

2011-06-12T08:45:00.003-04:00

Well-dressed man with Jesus sign who rides a bike: (preaches the gospel)

Passing man with 666 tattooed on his forehead, disgustedly: "Oh my GOD!"

(Overheard by Captain Confrontation in Congress Square)

Welcome to Portland

2011-06-11T09:41:00.000-04:00

Man shouting out his car window: "Does anybody know where I can get some god damn weed in this fucking town?!"

(Overheard by KT in Longfellow Square)

Did I Ask You if You Smoked?

2011-06-10T06:40:00.001-04:00

Crazy customer: "Hey, you got a lighter?"

Barista: "No, I'm sorry. I don't smoke..."

Crazy customer: "I DIDN'T ASK YOU IF YOU FUCKING SMOKED."

(Overheard by KT at Coffee By Design on Congress Street)

A Dollar Fifty

2011-06-08T04:58:00.001-04:00

Skinny guy with basketball shorts, a wife beater, and calf tattoos: "Hey! Hey! Ask him about CJ borrowing a dollar-fifty. SERIOUSLY, DO that."

CJ's friend: "I will! I will!"

CJ: "Tell 'em, 'CJ wants a dolla-fifty for a bee-ahh! For a Pabst...'"

(Overheard by EC on Brackett Street)

Hey, Bro

2011-06-07T00:22:00.001-04:00

One guy to another: "I'm not gonna be like, 'Hey, bro, don't do this, like, ever, but we're gonna go pick up some prostitutes...'"

(Overheard by JW on Congress Street)